Kiss Me Like You Mean It
by Siriusly Lovely
Summary: What if we don't know the real story about Harry Potter? Have you ever wondered how he came to be? Would your opinion of him change if things were different? If the story you've been told isn't the real one? You think you know the truth? You have no idea.
1. A Letter to Petunia

**Chapter 1; A Letter to Petunia**

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Characters are all credited to JK, god bless her.

Lily Evans Potter sat holding her baby boy mere hours after she had returned home with him for the first time. James was in the kitchen making her some tea, he had insisted that she relax and assured her that he would take care of whatever needs she may present him with. She laughed as she wondered how long that would last. Harry was finally asleep, he had been startled when they had Apparated home from Saint Mungo's but she had finally managed to calm him down. She smiled and smoothed out the small tuft of dark hair that was already poking out at odd angles. It didn't surprise her. As she ran her hand over his soft skin she smiled. But it as a sad smile, and her eyes showed the pain that she was feeling.

Sirius had been there when he was born. She had been in labor for hours and James had been feeling uneasy at the sight of her in so much pain and so he had stepped out for a moment. And Sirius, brave Sirius, had remained at her side one hand holding hers and one hand on the top of her head while he talked to her softly, encouraging her. And then he had come, her small little bundle of joy they had waiting so long for. It had been the happiest moment of her life.

Sirius had immediately run into the hallway and called to James in his usual loud voice, that crazy boy, he was in the middle of a hospital and he was yelling and acting like a teenager.

"It's a boy, James!"

It was a boy. Their son. The three of them, they would raise him together. James had wasted no time asking Sirius to be the godfather when he had found out Lily was expecting. That was how it should rightly be, the only other logical choice would have been Remus and of course James had considered him but Lily had assured him it had to be Sirius.

But even now something nagged at her heart. It was a pain so deep and so nagging that she was sure it might kill her. The only thing that kept her from bursting into tears was her small son wrapping his teeny hand around her pinky finger. She smiled and held back the tears. It was at that moment that her husband walked back into the room with a cup of tea. When she saw the huge grin on his face she felt her heart drop to her stomach.

_One Year Earlier_

Lily was busy writing a letter to her sister. She knew Petunia would never respond, not since she had decided to marry James Potter, but she was determined to mend their relationship. Nothing had been the same with them since she had left for Hogwarts nearly eight years before. But she had been writing Petunia letters religiously for several years now, telling her everything that was going on in Lily's life and asking questions about her sister's which she knew would probably not be answered. As she put the finishing touches on today's letter James walked up the stairs. He had been in the kitchen, most likely making a mess she would have to clean up once he had left.

Not saying a word he came up behind her and leaning over he wrapped his arms around her neck, squeezing her briefly. Lily closed her eyes and breathed in her husbands scent. As always he smelled like coffee and peppermint. Last Christmas he had tried to give up coffee for awhile since it was keeping him up at night and replaced the caffeine with sugar he found in peppermint candy canes. Needless to say their seventh year exams had pushed him back onto the coffee since unlike her he kept procrastinating and found himself pulling all-nighters most every night the week before. So now, not only was he a coffee junkie he was also a candy cane addict. Go figure.

She smiled to herself as James kissed her softly on the top of the head before releasing her from his loose choke hold. She turned and smiled up at him.

"Are you heading out?"

She knew that he had to go to meet with Dumbledore about something and she was hoping that it wouldn't take too long. For some reason she didn't feel very comfortable left alone in their new house quite yet. It had been a little less than a month since they had moved into their house in Godric's Hollow. She liked the muggle atmosphere, it was so nice to be back among the kind of people she grew up around. But something just irked her about being alone.

James straightened up and looked down at his wife, reaching forward to brush a piece of that beautiful red hair out of her face. He hated to leave her alone, he knew it worried her especially since they'd only been here for a short while.

"Yeah, I have to go talk to Dumbledore for a little bit…And after that I'm going over to see Remus for a little bit."

Lily's cheeks went a little red at the last part. He was going to see Remus when he knew how worried she was about being alone in the house? Something just didn't make sense here, especially since he looked anywhere but at her when he said it. Pursing her lips she didn't say anything she just looked at him waiting for him to explain which she knew he would. Looking rather guilty, James finally spoke again.

"It's his 'time of the month', darling, and you know how he gets during the full moon. This is the first time he hasn't had someone around during the full moon since before me and Sirius and Peter discovered him. I just don't want him to have to do this alone."

As James finished speaking he reached out, a pleading look on his face. Lily nodded. She did understand but she wasn't happy about it. She was stressed, she was alone. He was gone so much lately, it was always something, always some mission Dumbledore wanted him to go on for the Order that was 'too dangerous for her to go along' or going to see Remus or going to the Ministry. She knew it was all important but she frankly didn't care.

Without speaking she turned and started folding her letter to slide it into an envelope. As she began to address the letter to Number 4 Privet Drive as she always did, James realized she wasn't in any sort of mood. So with a sigh and a feeble 'I love you' he turned and descended the stairs again, quickly grabbing his invisibility cloak as he always did as a precaution and heading out the door.

When Lily heard the door close followed by the distinct *pop* of James Apparating out of their garden, she assumed to Hogsmeade so he could proceed to Hogwarts to see Dumbledore, she let her head fall to her hands and her eyes slide closed again. She knew she was wrong to be angry at him, Remus needed him and she shouldn't be jealous or upset. They'd been friends for far longer than her and James. She half wished he would come back so she could apologize. As if some Higher Being had heard her silent hope she heard another distinct pop. Sure it was James she smiled to herself and finished addressing her letter, waiting for him to come bounding back into the house and up the stairs.

The door did open and there was a pair of feet on the stairs but they were heavy and not James'. Her ear was trained to detect the tread of her husband's footsteps and this wasn't him. Lily's heart stopped and her breath was caught in her throat. Squeezing her eyes shut she waited for her inevitable pain. She wasn't sure what she was afraid of happening but she was sure it wasn't good. She felt the hands on her shoulders, tears threatening to burst out from under her eyelids. But then the hands moved from her shoulders up to cover her eyes and they felt familiar. She didn't dare to hope that it was who she thought it was but she couldn't help let a smile creep onto her face as the tough, scarred hands that she knew so well closed over her emerald orbs.

"Guess who, pretty girl."

Lily giggled throwing his arms out so her eyes were revealed again, twirling around, nearly overturning her chair, and throwing her arms around Sirius Black's neck.

"Oh Sirius I'm so happy you're here!"

She pulled back, eyes glistening with tears that had turned from fear to joy and smiled up at her schoolmate, well former schoolmate. Sirius was laughing and shaking his head. He was making fun of her and she should be furious but she knew she was being ridiculous. When Sirius had stopped filling up the room with his deep voice he detached himself from her.

"Oh yes, Lillian, your horrible, insensitive husband who left you all alone on a bright day like today was worried about you feeling anxious about being alone and asked me to come keep you company. I hope that's alright."

Lily smiled up at her old friend, practically glowing.

"Sirius, you know you're welcome here any time you want. You and James might have been friends long before I paid attention to either of you but this is your home as well as mine. I couldn't be happier that you're here. Of course, I'm afraid to say I'm rather boring today, I was just in the middle of sending a letter via Muggle post to my sister, Petunia."

She gestured towards the desk where her letter still sat. Sirius followed her gesture and stepped forward examining the strange phenomena.

"Well you know, Lily, growing up in a pure-blood family I didn't get much exposure to anything related to Muggle society so I would love nothing more than to help you with that task."

Grinning at her new found companion she expressed her gratitude and went about explaining to him how the postman wasn't like owls, you couldn't just tell him who to take it to and he would get it there, you have to write out their entire address and name on the envelope if it was going to get there. And you had to put postage on a letter.

"And so you caught me right before I put the stamp on…But I seem to have none left up here. I think I have some down in a drawer in the kitchen though, so let's head down there shall we?"

She smiled at Sirius and picking up her letter in one hand and taking his hand with the other she led him out of the room and down the stairs. Once in the kitchen she set the letter on the kitchen counter, beginning to fumble through various drawers looking for postage stamps she was sure must be somewhere. Finally locating a booklet of stamps with pictures of little daisies on them she pulled out enough to cover the postage of her letter. Showing Sirius how to lick the back of the stamps and apply them, Lily laughed at the face he made when he tasted the glue. Once the stamps were applied she shook her head still chuckling to herself, moving the letter to the table. Sirius seemed to be watching her every move so she was sure he was very interested in this procedure.

"Well that's all we have to do, until the postman comes in a little bit. Then I'll give it to him and he'll bring it to the main office where they'll sort it out and send it to Petunia's house. Would you care for some tea? Or maybe some Butterbeer to wash out that taste?"

Sirius was still smacking his lips and trying to rid himself of the taste of the stamps. That was one thing he would never be tricked into again. Lily couldn't help herself, she laughed at him again, quickly quieting herself when he shot her a look of foreboding. The glare did not last long; it quickly turned into a smirk and a laugh. That deep laugh that Lily loved hearing so much, it made her feel safe, comfortable.

"Tea's fine, Lily, thank you."

So Lily went about heating water and making them tea. Sirius didn't really understand why she did things like that, the muggle way, when it would have been so much easier to use magic, but he liked to watch her as she moved around the kitchen. She was so flawless as she moved back and forth, pouring the water once it was boiling and adding the tea bags. He averted his gaze when she turned to ask him about milk or sugar so that she didn't know he was watching her. But that smile was too much to look away from. He had always loved her smile, it opened up her face so much. Smiling back at her he shrugged.

"Surprise me"

Lily rolled her eyes turning back to her task. She could feel his eyes on her but she wasn't perturbed by it. She wondered what he was thinking, slightly self-conscious under his constant gaze but she told herself he was a friend, he loved her, she had no reason to be nervous. So when she walked over to him and handed him his tea with sugar but no milk she flashed him that award winning smiling before turning and returning to her own cup. Gripping her mug between her hands Lily shifted, leaning against the counter trying to get comfortable. She giggled when s he saw the look that Sirius was giving her, like she was crazy. She probably was. And so she stopped shifting. Feeling facetious and evil she smirked at him, tilting her head slightly to the side as she sipped at her tea which had both milk and sugar.

"Why do you watch me, Sirius?"

She knew she caught him off guard; she giggled again when she saw the blood gather in his cheeks but stopped herself not wanting him to feel uncomfortable. Strangely she found herself actually wanting to hear the answer. Sirius looked down at his tea, which was already half finished, and fumbled with it in both hands for a moment before looking up at her grinning his mischievous boy-like grin she knew so well, the one she loved so well.

"Whatever do you mean, Lily dear?"

He wasn't going to give her what she wanted right away. He knew she wants to play this game with him, if she hadn't she wouldn't have brought it up so out of the blue. But Lily didn't like this game, as much as she loved playing it with him. It frustrated her and this was a question she wanted to know the answer to. The answer to this question would answer so many questions. And so she persisted.

"Sirius Black, you know exactly what I mean. I mean why can I always feel your eyes on me when my back is turned? Why do you always watch me? You always have, even at school, even when I was all the way across the Great Hall. Why?"

She eyed at him, not laughing this time, but waiting, waiting to hear if he would give her the answer she wanted. She wasn't even sure what answer she wanted. She knew which one she should want. This was James' best friend for goodness' sake, he had practically shoved them together. Or had he become more distant when they had gotten together? She couldn't remember really. And so she waited, looking him straight in the eyes. Sirius looked sad, he was sad, he was experiencing a pain he hardly knew, one he had suppressed for so long. This was his best friend's wife, his wife, that meant something. But she looked so sincere and curious and she was looking at him so intently with those beautiful green eyes that he couldn't help but answer her in the softest voice she had ever heard him speak in.

"Do you really want to know?"

Lily's heart skipped a beat. Her palm was sweaty and mirroring Sirius as he set his mug on the table she turned and set hers on the counter so as not to let it slip out of her hands. Pursing her lips tight she considered what she should say. She should say no, she should just let the whole thing go. But she knew she couldn't. She had started this and she wanted to finish it. After all this time she had to know.

"Yes."

Her voice was quiet, soft like his. It wasn't one of those conversations where you whisper in fear of someone hearing you but both of them knew that the area they were about to enter wasn't one they should be, it was not appropriate to talk about in normal voices or at all for that matter. Sirius closed his eyes for a moment taking a breath trying to prepare himself. Opening again he saw Lily standing there. She looked so perfect, so flawless, All the feelings he had ever suppressed about James' wife he allowed to come flooding back. All the times he had seen James and Lily together, every time he came to their house and watched them together, how he had yearned to fill James' shoes. He used those memories to gain courage. Lily somehow managed a small smile. That was it. That was all he needed. Closing the gab between them until he was standing mere feet away from her, not trusting himself to go closer, he spoke.

"You're beautiful, Lily. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known in my entire life…and…I'm in love with you. I've loved you since the day I met you on the Hogwarts Express, even if you were best mates with Severus. I love you. And I know it's wrong and I know I shouldn't but I love you and it gets stronger every day."

He had hurried through this and hadn't looked at her, instead had opted to look around the kitchen. Looking up at her finally he saw confusion and pain in her face, and saw on her the same conflict he had been struggling with for the past eight years. He sucked in a raspy breath followed by a deep sigh. Pursing his lips he shook his head looking down, ashamed.

"I'm sorry…"

Lily looked at him dumbfounded. She couldn't sort this out. He loved her. How could he love her? How was this possible? Why were all these men in love with her? She had thought she was so lucky when she fell in love with James, she had felt so alone after losing Severus and losing Petunia's loyalty on top of that. She was sure she would be alone forever. And then there was James. But would she have felt differently if she had known about Sirius' affections? She couldn't say for certain. She just didn't know. But she knew something clicked when he said that he loved her. Something seemed right but oh so wrong at the same time. She didn't know what to say but she knew she had to say something.

"Really?"

She couldn't believe she just said that. That was so stupid. She wanted to die, right then and there, she wanted to die. But she didn't at the same time. She wanted to touch him, she wanted to feel the love he was talking about she anted him to hold her. For that brief moment of time James was light years away, you couldn't have convinced her that he even existed. It was just her and Sirius. And she needed him to answer.

Sirius had been about to leave, he was actually in the process of turning towards the door, defeated when he heard her speak. Turning back to her, he looked helpless.

"More than anything in the world, Lily"

Lily licked her lips, they were getting dry very quickly and she didn't know why because she had just drained a mug of tea. Her mind was racing. This was insane. This couldn't be happening it had to be a dream. Looking up at him she saw his helplessness, his pain, his conflict and she wanted to ease it. She wanted him to know it was okay. Sirius sighed again quite audibly.

"Listen-"

He was going to tell her to forget it had happened, that he could leave and they could just act like it had never happened. He knew they couldn't but maybe if he said they could enough it would be true. Luckily he didn't have to plead that case to Lily because in the time it had taken him to utter those first two syllables Lily and close the gap between then and thrown her arms around him, kissing him square on the mouth. Her eyes fluttering shut she felt her heart stop for a moment, not out of fear this time but something else. His lips were soft but firm and she could imagine getting lost in entangling her hands in his hair. But mere seconds after she had flung herself at him he forced himself to pull backwards.

"Lily don't do this, you can't do this to me. I'll go insane."

He looked at her pleading with her with his eyes. He wanted to kiss her again, and again, and again, he wanted to hold her and make her feel loved, he wanted to show her how he felt about her instead of just telling her. But he knew he shouldn't, or at least he thought he shouldn't. He pleaded with her to make the right decision, what it was he didn't know. But she didn't either. She wanted to find out what she felt. She didn't know, it was all so new and confusing. She wanted to kiss him again. But she knew she shouldn't. But she didn't know if she could help it. She had felt something when she kissed him that she hadn't felt with James, not ever. She didn't know what it was but she thought that maybe if she kissed him again she might find out. And so she did. But again, Sirius pulled back.

"Lily, I can't do this. If I start I don't know what I'll do."

His words made her scream on the inside and her cheeks to flare red on the outside. She was frustrated and he wasn't helping anything, not with being gorgeous as he always had been, not with saying he loved her, not with pulling away when she tried to kiss him, and definitely not by whispering to her.

"I don't know what I'll do either, Sirius. But I want to find out."

This time she pleaded with him, there was pain in her eyes but he saw something else as well, need, want, he wasn't sure what it was. But he reasoned with himself and told himself that Lily was headstrong and knew what she wanted and he didn't have to look after her. She could do that herself. And so he looked into her eyes again, the ones full of all the feeling that he loved so much and drew on her courage again and kissed her.

Lily could tell he wasn't going to pull away this time and so she lifted up onto her toes and kissed him with all her might, with all the passion she was feeling, with all the questions, with everything she could muster. And it felt good. She let her hands wander up to cradle the back of his head grabbing his hair between her fingers. When he felt this pressure on his head he was driven forward by it. Wraping his arms around her waist he picked her up. Automatically her legs lifted up and wrapped around his waist. She felt herself moving backwards as he walked and set her down on the table top.

Pulling back for a moment he briefly locked eyes with her and for a moment of panic she thought he was going to try to talk his way out of this again, but he only kissed her with more passion than he had before and grabbed the back of her head. The kiss seemed like it was life or death and it was driving her crazy. Reaching forward she took a chance and grabbed at the bottom of his shirt, pulling it right over his head. He didn't have the torso of a Quidditch player like James did but he wasn't far off. Sirius had always taken much care in his appearance. Taking his cue off of her Sirius fumbled clumsily with the buttons of her shirt, undoing them quickly and pushing the blouse off of her, letting it fall to the table. Running his hands up and down her sides he let out just a soft gasp, almost as if just realizing that he was touching the girl of his dreams.

Lily pulled him towards her, prompting him to climb onto the table. In the back of his mind he worried that the table would collapse but he hardly cared at this point. Straddling her at the end of the table he had a hand on either side of her head and was kissing her with all the passion he had been harnessing for their entire friendship. Lily's hands were exploring his figure, finding muscles she hadn't known he had, covering every inch of skin. Slowly the pair began to lower themselves vertically onto the table. In the act of brushing some red locks out of her eyes, Lily accidentally hit the letter to her sister onto the floor. As Sirius' weathered hands carefully moved towards the buttons on Lily's jeans the postman pushed a few bills through the slot in the front door. The letter remained forgotten on the floor.

[Author Notes: I always liked the idea of Sirius/Lily and one day decided to write about this. When I came up with the title of the chapter I didn't quite connect it to the last words of the chapter but it worked out nicely. Please Review, let me know what you think. ]


	2. Another Rainy Day

**Chapter 2; Another Rainy Day**

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters are credited to JK, god bless her.

It'd been a little over a month since Sirius had flashed her that dazzling smile of his as he kissed her hard goodbye and left her standing in the doorway of her house. She had been unable to hide the smile as she closed the door and leaned her head against it. Now, nearly five weeks later she was going crazy. She had hardly heard from him since their interlude and it was killing her. Strangely enough it hadn't been awkward with James when he had come home. Most nights he just fell into bed tired from a days work with the Order, just asking her to hold him which she gladly did. Until now, that is.

Tonight when James came home there was a fire in his eyes, a passion she had never seen him with before. She hadn't seen him smile like this since their 6th year at Hogwarts when he had stolen the Quidditch Cup from the Slytherins. He had been so happy, there'd been a party of celebration in the common room well into the next day and they had stayed up all night talking. Sirius had been there, and not surprisingly that's what her mind went to now, remembering the contour of his face and the scars that covered his hands. But tonight it wasn't Sirius who came up her steps it was James, and for the first time in her life she felt herself being scared of him.

He was grinning from ear to ear at her as he undid his coat and set it down on the desk. She had been sleeping, he knew that, he had woken her and in a sense he felt sorry for that but he hadn't felt this alive for months. There was something in her eyes but instead of the fear and confusion that it was in actuality he saw it as surprise. Without saying anything he walked over to the bed and kneeling on it he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her on the mouth.

She had been wrong about the passion behind his face; it was the same sweet, sensuous James she was used to. Out of habit one of her hands reached up and grabbed one of his wrists as he kissed her, not really sure what the feeling she was experiencing should be identified as. This wasn't how she had felt with Sirius, it was comfortable and slow, not the life and death situation that she had felt a month prior. And when she made love to her husband that night she couldn't help but think of Sirius and feel guilty. She wasn't sure why but showing James the same love she showed Sirius just didn't feel right anymore.

The next day Lily walked into the kitchen and smiled at her husband who was busy fixing her breakfast. He was always so thoughtful like that. When he heard her behind him he turned and grinned at her quickly filling the gap between them and kissing her before returning to his task, which from what she could tell was making tea and eggs. She couldn't help but smile as she realized he was attempting to fry eggs the Muggle way. She watched him struggle for a few moments before laughing and guiding him out of the way and beginning to do it herself.

"So James, what was the occasion last night?"

She was being mischievous and inappropriate she knew but it was true, they rarely were intimate anymore. Not necessarily because there was anything wrong with their relationship but more so because James was always so drained or busy.

"Well not that I think I need a reason to be with my wife but…"

James was matching her attitude with his own playful nature and she didn't like it. She just wanted someone to flat out answer her for much. Yet again she couldn't help but think of Sirius as she stood at the counter fixing the eggs, how mere weeks before hand he had stood where James was standing dancing around answering her. Wondering whether it had anything to do with Sirius why she was getting so irritated at James so easily lately. But then she rationalized with herself that her annoyance with her husband had been a problem before anything ever happened with Sirius. Lily was pulled back to reality, however, when she heard James begin to continue.

"Dumbledore asked me and Frank Longbottom to accompany him to the Ministry today to report our theories on the Death Eaters Headquarters having something to do with Malfoy Manor."

Lily was not amused. He was leaving again, and even though she didn't mind being alone as much anymore it was just more time for her to be alone and remember that she hadn't heard from Sirius in over a month. She knew she shouldn't take out her frustration on James but she couldn't help it. Putting down the salt she had been shaking over her quickly cooling eggs she let out an audible side and turned crossing her arms.

"And I guess that just made you want to come home and screw your lonely wife?"

There had been few times when James Potter had been daunted by Lily but at the moment those green eyes were piercing through his own brown ones to such an extent that his jaw dropped open a little bit. He couldn't understand what he had done wrong, why she was so testy with him lately. Of course he understood maybe that wasn't the answer she wanted to hear but it was the only one he had to give her. Pleading with his eyes he took a step towards her, daunted when she turned her back on him again. Going up behind her he put his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder.

"You know that's not what I meant. It's a great honor, I was just so happy. I wanted to share it with you."

Lily was fuming with rage. She wanted him to leave her alone, she wanted him to go. What a horrible thought to hope that your husband would leave you alone, she knew, but she just didn't want to deal with him anymore. He'd used her and she didn't like. And so she turned around and nudged him away from her proceeding to take her eggs and move to sit at the table and eat them.

"Well you'd better get going then, you have a big day ahead of you."

She wasn't going to say anything else and he knew it. She was going to give him the silent treatment for probably the hundredth time this week and it was killing him. James wanted to know what was wrong, why she was so cold with him lately, what he could do to fix it. He knew now was not the time to ask though, that he just needed to let her cool down.

"Yeah, I reckon your right. I love you, Lily."

He chewed on his lower lip for a few moments, waiting, hoping she would say it back. When she didn't he turned and left through the back door to Apparate out of the garden. Lily, left to her own devices, felt a huge weight leave her shoulders with him. She finished eating her eggs and rinsed her dish off in their small sink, replacing it in the cabinet. Walking into the living room, she curled up on the couch reaching for a book she had been reading. She'd begun reading again to keep herself occupied while James was gone since she no longer waited, expecting a certain visitor. She didn't know what she'd done wrong with Sirius but not even James had heard from him since that fateful day.

Spreading out over the entire sofa as she read, twirling a finger through her fiery hair, she found herself getting very drowsy. Setting the book down on her stomach she let her eyes droop until she finally fell off into a light sleep.

Nearly an hour later Lily was startled awake by a tapping on the window near her head. It was dark, she hadn't turned on any lights before she sat down because it had been a nice day out when she had sat down to read. Turning so she could look at it she saw that it had started raining, pretty badly actually, and that there was a barn owl trying to force entry through the glass. Quickly she opened the window and let the poor creature in, also allowing herself to be spattered with a little bit of the furious downpour.

After slamming the window shut she turned her attention to the owl that was sputtering on the floor, flapping its drenched wings and attempting to dry itself off. Running to the kitchen she returned with a hand towel which she used to dab the bird and dry it a bit. Noticing the parchment drenched but still attached to the owl's leg she removed it and unfolded it, recognizing immediately her husband's hand.

My beautiful flower,

I'm sorry, but because of the storm we had to put off going to the Ministry until it passes.

If I'm able to make it back tonight it won't be until very late so please don't trouble yourself waiting up for me.

I love you. Take care of yourself and if you need anything I'm sure Bathilda would be more than happy to help you.

Your loving husband,

Prongs

She hated when he called her a flower, why couldn't he use her name? She also hated when he signed his letters like that. He wasn't Prongs to her, he was James, James Potter. But she knew that it was for safety's sake, incase the letter got intercepted, so she tried to calm herself. It wasn't working. She started a fire in the fireplace and threw the letter in. She didn't want to look at James' handwriting anymore. The barn owl promptly found a pillow to roost on in front of the fire to warm and dry itself on. Lily, once sure it was properly burning, she returned to her place on the sofa to continue reading her book.

The next time Lily looked up the owl was gone. She wasn't sure where it was but she wasn't about to go looking for it. When it wanted to leave it would return and peck at the glass to be let out. And so she turned back to her book; she was just getting to the good part. However she was going to have to wait because just then there was a pounding at the door. Lily's heart jumped to her throat and she quite awkwardly fell off of the sofa. Rubbing her elbow where it had hit the coffee table during her tumble she rose to her feet, beginning to get quite annoyed by the pounding on the door which was just getting more urgent.

Who in the world would be out in a storm like this, and for that matter who in this neighborhood out in this weather would be pounding on her door? Briefly she considered the idea that there were Death Eaters outside of her door but quickly pushed that thought aside. If there were Death Eaters in Godric's Hollow she was quite sure they would not wait at the door for her to answer it. And so she walked to the door, quite content in letting whoever the rude git outside of it was to wait just a bit longer in the rain as punishment for interrupting her reading.

Upon reaching the door she pulled back the curtain of the side window glancing outside to see if she could identify her visitor but the rain prevented that. Undoing the lock carefully she opened the door. Lily didn't know what hit her.

About as long as it took for the door to open and a little rain to get in the man standing on her stoop was through the doorway and Lily's back was against the wall. Fear struck her for a moment as she heard the door close, for she couldn't see it past him anymore, but he wasn't holding her in a threatening way. She couldn't see him in the light but in the time it took him to reach down and lace his hands up into her hair and envelope her lips in a hungry kiss she knew exactly who it was.

Sirius was soaked and as his body was pushed up against hers, so too was the rain water slowly seeping through her clothing. Lily tried to raise her arms and wrap them around his neck but he caught her wrists and held them on either side of her head as his lips left her own and started traveling down her neck. As he nibbled and kissed his way down to the crick of her neck Lily yearned for him, wanted to touch him, to feel him, to have her way with him and so she pulled at her arms a little bit trying to encourage him to let her go.

The only response Sirius gave to Lily's request was to move her wrists further over her head so that he could hold them both with one hand moving the other one to grasp at her side, at her back, whatever he could reach. But soon enough as he moved his mouths aim back towards her mouth he released her and as he pressed his hips, if possible, further against her own, her hands flew to the back of his head pulling on his hair slightly. But then she remembered. As Sirius' hands started to find their way under the white tank top that went so lovely with Lily's eyes, his companion gave him a forceful shove away from her and twirled away from him returning to her space on the sofa.

Every inch of Lily was screaming for contact again, pulling at her to turn around and resume her position pressed against Sirius, but she couldn't. She couldn't forgive him for not talking to her for five weeks and then showing up at her home like this. Not bearing the thought of what looking at him would cause her to do she threw herself back on the sofa and retrieved her book with a shaking hand. Several minutes passed during which she was faintly aware of Sirius removing his coat and hanging it on the coat rack next to the door.

"Lily?"

His voice was confused and scared, a kind of verbalization Lily had only heard from this man one time before. It almost broke her heart to hear it again but she forced herself to keep her head down and her lips pursed, showing no emotion.

"What, Sirius?"

Her cold words cut through his heart like ice. Had he been too rash in coming here? He had tried to stay away, tried to forget what had happened, tried to tell himself that staying away was the best thing. He hadn't been able to stay away though. For nearly five weeks he hadn't spoken to anyone. When Remus or James had come to call he had pretended he was out. It had finally become too much though, he needed to see her, needed to see if it was just the one time or if she was hurting like he was. And when he had seen her in the split second when she had opened the door something had overcome him. He knew she was angry at him and she had good reason to be.

"I'm sorry."

That was not the right thing to say, Sirius was aware, it would not make up for what she must be feeling which he now was sure was at least comparable to what he himself had been going through. He didn't know what else to say, though. And Lily wasn't buying it. Looking up at him with the same piercing green eyes she had stared James down with only hours before, she was entirely ready to spit a witty reply back at him.

She wanted to say 'For what you stupid git, for leaving me heart broken for five weeks and then showing up and making me feel more alive than I ever have in my life?'. She wanted to say 'Sorry for what Sirius? Sorry for making me cry myself to sleep at night and think I did something wrong and that you hated me?'. She wanted to yell at him, she wanted to hit him. But the words got caught in her throat as soon as she looked up.

Sirius was soaked, his black t-shirt clung to his skin like it was part of him and his jeans were an entire shade darker than they should be because of the rain. His hair was ragged as always, knotted and stuck to his face at places and he had to keep pushing it out of his eyes. She knew she shouldn't have looked at him because now she was having very bad thoughts, thoughts that had nothing to do with being angry at him. .So she took a deep breath and set down her book, the laughter and happiness returning to her eyes. Forcing a serious voice she finally spoke.

"Well you should be sorry, Mr. Black. You got me wet."

Lily couldn't help but smile at the second part of her statement. Sirius had already recovered and was shaking his head at her in disbelief. She knew how to play him, that was for sure. Walking over to the couch he sat next to her, looking straight into those emerald eyes he adored and reaching out to run his hand along the length of one of her legs.

"You have no idea how sorry I am about that. However shall I make it up to you?"

Leaning forward Sirius started planting soft kisses on the side of Lily's neck. His breath was warm against her skin and she let out a little gasp when he nipped at her collarbone, starting to migrate lower. Catching his face in her hands and lifting it back up so she could look at him she grinned mischievously.

"Well first of all, I think we need to get out of these wet clothes…"

This time it was her turn to lean forward and nibble on his ear a bit, lowering her voice so that she could whisper in it.

"… and possibly get into some dry one."

Sirius grinned and shifted his position as she did hers so that she was straddling him. Running his hands over her shoulders and down towards the bottom hem of her tank top, which he could practically see through due to the water that had transferred from his own to hers, he let his fingers run over her chest causing her to shiver just the slightest bit.

"Well I think I can manage to help you with the first part. I'm not so sure, however, about how keen I'm going to be able putting clothes back on you once I have them off"

Pulling her down towards him Sirius bit her at the place where the neck meets the shoulders and Lilly moaned ever so softly. Fueled by that vocalization, Sirius pulled the damp shirt up over her head and proceeded to kiss every bit of skin on Lily's torso that he could reach. During this activity Lily was, far from unnoticed by Sirius, working on removing his belt.

Grabbing her hands and holding them in his own Sirius kissed them softly looking up at her. Lily suddenly smiled softly, reaching forward and pushing a strand of hair out of his eyes and letting her fingers trace over the side of his face. Curious as to the sudden change of pace, Sirius lifted an eyebrow at her.

"Lily, what is it?"

The redhead with a knee hold on either side of his lap simply smiled a half-smile at her companion and leaned forward till her face was inches from his own.

"Sirius?"

Sirius wanted to kiss her, to grab her in his arms and finish what they had started but for love of her he played her game.

"Yes, Lily?"

The ginger girl sitting on his lap smiled at him ruffling his hair slightly before letting her hand slide down to find his and holding it ever so loosely. She didn't quite know how to say what she wanted to say, the feelings were there but the words weren't living up to all of her expectations as far as what she wanted him to know. He seemed to understand that, if only because he was feeling the same way. Putting his hands on either side of her face he relished in the softness of her skin, the brush of her lips against his fingertips as she turned her head to rub against his callused skin. Kissing her forehead briefly he leaned his own against it, using the closeness to get lost in her eyes.

"Don't…you'll ruin it."

When she made love with Sirius Black that night Lily didn't think of James at all. She didn't think of the way they had bought the couch she was lying on three months prior. She didn't think about the way he'd told her he loved her the night after their wedding when they woke up in bed together for the first time. She didn't think about the way she had told him time and time again that he was the only man she'd ever loved. The only thing on her mind was that Sirius made her feel more alive than she had ever been in her life. That wasn't love was it? That wasn't the emotion she was feeling, but at the same time it had to be. How could she love her brother's best friend you ask? If you really were thinking that you have obviously never had Sirius Black confess his love to you.

When it came time for Lily to bid her lover farewell she was hardly willing to send him out into the rain. She wanted desperately for him to stay with her but they both knew that wouldn't work. It wasn't right for him to be there when James returned home, not now, maybe not ever. Excuses were made and grievances were uttered but they both understood that this was not a growing relationship, at least not in the say accepted by society. But still, they weren't going to give it up and that was understood without being said as well. They'd waited years for this, at least Sirius had, and once you started something like this it was hard to stop.

Sirius kissed Lily goodbye, the same way he had that first time, with meaning behind it and gazing into her eyes afterwards, leaving her wanting more. As his hand slipped out of hers and the door closed being him Lily again leaned her forehead against the cool wood wondering when she'd see him next, hoping it was soon. And with that thought brewing in her head she returned to her spot on the couch, curling up in the spot her and Sirius had occupied not ten minutes prior and returning to her book. She briefly wondered if James would return that night, hoping that he wouldn't. Just for a night she wanted to pretend he didn't exist.

[Author notes: Originally this chapter ended with the story's title line but i decided i want to keep that for a later date and i changed it around and gave it some more substance. Hope you liked it. Please Review and let me know what you think.]


	3. Confessions

**Chapter 3; Confessions**

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters are credited to JK, god bless her.

Two months. It had been two months since their last encounter. Two entire months since Sirius had barged into the Potter household and thrown Lily against a wall in the most passionate act she'd ever been involved in. They had been several more since then. Lily and Sirius were becoming very comfortable with their situation, to the point where Sirius had begun to spend the night when James was away on assignment. The only thing that worried the redhead was the way Sirius was beginning to look at her when James was around, the way his eyes never left hers.

James had apparently been 'honored' with a few more fantastic assignments from the Order as Lily was obligated on certain occasions to live up to her wifely duties. However, now she wasn't ashamed to think of Sirius while making love to James. She would imagine it was his hair she was running her hands through, his body she was pulling closer to hers. There had been a couple of times when James had come up behind her and kissed her on the top of the head commenting on how feisty she'd been in bed lately. That made her sick, her stomach retching each times.

As a matter of fact Lily had been getting sick a lot lately. That's what brought her to their bathroom floor today, on her knees in front of the toilet where she'd been for probably the last half an hour. Tears welling up in her eyes Lily Potter leaned her cheek against the linoleum floor next to the bathtub. She didn't know what was happening to her body, but she was afraid to go to Saint Mungo's, afraid of what they would tell her. She found herself hoping for the flu, or for some terminal disease that was causing her to vomit up the contents of her stomach every few hours. But deep down she knew the truth, knew there was no escaping it. The only problem now was how she was going to tell him.

Finally feeling comfortable Lily closed her eyes letting herself rest for a moment before she was sure the nausea would return. James was out on assignment again, as always. He was always somewhere. She remembered back in school when they had wanted to train to be aurors. Actually Lily wanted to be a healer, pediatric ward. How ironic, she thought. But James had always really wanted to be a professional quidditch player. It was the little boy in him, she supposed, he wanted to be a boy forever. But after he realized that was an unreachable goal for most people he'd decided on being an auror.

He hadn't abandoned that dream all together. He still attended classes every now and again, getting special treatment from Mad-Eye Moody. But mostly his time was devoted to the Order. She'd owled him to let him know what she thought. A rather heartless way to let your husband know you think you're pregnant but she couldn't bring herself to tell him to his face. Within an hour she'd received an extremely excited reply from him telling him nothing would make him happier than if they were to have a baby. She felt a little guilty because she couldn't feel more different about it.

Lily had always dreamed about being a mother. She'd watched little children when she was in school and wished they were hers, especially infants, they were so cute. She loved babysitting when she was younger living with her parents because it was like practicing for later. But now, with the current circumstances, she couldn't have dreamed of a worse time for a baby to be brewing inside of her. Not when she was going to have to go nine months without being able to tell whose baby it was. Ignorant she had been to not foresee the consequences of her actions, not to understand the dangerous circumstances that could arise while she was involved with two men at once.

As he stomach turned again Lily groaned and rolled onto her side, placing a hand protectively on her abdomen without even being aware of it. Involved with two men. How could she be involved with two men? She was married. How had she let it come to this. She should have snuffed the fire she had started with Sirius out as soon as it had started. Should have sent him home the second he told her he loved her. But she hadn't and she couldn't lie and say she didn't love him back, and he knew it too. He knew she was different with him than she was with James, looked at him differently than she looked at him. She couldn't hide it, couldn't deny it. She knew that she had fallen as far into this as Sirius was and that was a dangerous place to be.

Finally feeling she could stand her own weight, Lily pushed herself up from the floor, thinking she'd make herself a cup of tea. She'd made it as far as the kitchen counter where she was leaning for a moment before she heard a knock on the front door. Long gone were the days when she worried about Death Eaters coming to her house and killing her while James was away on business. Almost always now it was Sirius at the door, sometimes Bathilda checking in on her, but mostly Sirius. She had come to expect it. She wasn't sure how he knew when James was away but he always knew and would appear sometimes mere minutes after her husband's departure. Today she didn't have the strength to walk all the way back to the front door to let him in so she simply waved her wand and heard the door creak open as a result.

Soft but firm footsteps were heard cautiously entering the house. [b]Lily? Lils, is everything alrgiht?[/b]. It'd been less than a week since she'd heard his voice. But today the normal warmth and excitement that filled her was not there. Instead there was just nausea and some back pain. All the same it was comforting to hear that he was worried about her, her constant guard keep. She knew he would let no harm befall her. Too bad they hadn't seen this coming. Deciding she was too worn out from being sick all morning to bother making tea the muggle way she quickly used her wand to boil some water. [b]I'm in here Sirius, everything's fine. I've just been feeling a bit under the weather.[/b] Oh, Merlin, how was she going to tell him? Fixing another cup of tea for him she picked up both mugs and as Sirius entered the kitchen she sat down at the kitchen table, their table.

As he sat down beside her he kissed her softly on the temple, sensing she was in no mood for his usual antics today, and opting instead just to accept the mug she offered him and move some stray red hair out of her eyes. [b]What's bothering you, pretty girl?[/b]. Lily looked up and met his expectant, concerned brown eyes with her own piercing green ones. For a moment she was distracted, wondering if her baby would have her eyes, or maybe the deep brown ones of the man sitting across from her. A look of fear crossed Sirius' face as she looked at him and she was sure he had detected the worn, sad look that had been plastered across her face since she'd realized why she was so sick all the time. She needed to tell him. She needed to tell him now, before it got any more complicated.

Opening her mouth Lily tried to find the words to ease into this information. There didn't seem to be any easy way to break this to him. Eyes sliding closed for a moment, she thought in vain that perhaps it would be easier to endure if she didn't see his reaction. [b]Sirius….[/b] This was silly, she just needed to tell him. There was nothing to be done about it now so she might as well get it over him. Eyes opening, there was a new determination in her eyes. Still present was the fear and anxiousness in her pools of green but she needed to do it. And so she did. [b]Sirius, I'm going to have a baby.[/b] And she immediately regretted it. As she watched the shock run over his face, blood seeming to rush out of his head, Lily could feel the tears welling up in her eyes.

She wasn't exactly sure what was coming. Sirius was oddly calm, dark brown eyes dwelling accusingly on the offending abdomen which held in it a tiny being which would become her child. A few times she considered speaking again but then realize she didn't know what she was supposed to say. What did you say to your out-of-wedlock lover after you'd just dropped the bomb that you were pregnant? Especially when that lover happened to be a school days best friend of your husband whom for all the world knew you still loved unconditionally. Suddenly he was holding her hand. Lily closed in her other hand so that it was on top of his rough one which grasped tightly at her. Looking up, she wondered how long he'd been looking at her with those eyes of his. Trying to decipher the emotion in his eyes she wondered how angry he was currently.

But the sparkle in his eyes wasn't angry. It couldn't be happiness, could it? How could he be joyful at a time like this. Lily was about to ask him as much when he cut her off with a huskier than usual version of that voice she had grown so accustomed to. [b]Well as long as they're as beautiful as you, I don't see what the problem is.[/b] Lily was on her feet and in his arms faster than she would have thought possible given that she'd just been struggling to stand up moments earlier. So overjoyed she was that he hadn't just stormed out of the house and left her there crying. Instead, tears of joy were coursing down her face. Tears of joy and confusing and fear. She really had no idea what to do, how she was going to do this, where Sirius fit in…

But her big burly man didn't seem at all perturbed by any of the things she was anxious about at the moment. He held her tight to his chest, hand stroking her lovely red hair, and cooed to her, things like telling her it would be okay and not to worry. This was a good thing. This was a good thing, he said, as though their relationship was the most normal in the world. Like there wasn't any doubt that the baby was his. And then it hit her and her eyes snapped open, no longer comforted by his affection. He obviously hadn't considered that the baby could be James. But that was silly. She was still with James so it had to be obvious that it wasn't a hundred percent certain that it was Sirius' baby. He couldn't be that naïve….

[b]What are you going to tell James?[/b] Those words stung at her ears, but still she tried to play long, pushing back the new option that could be responsible for his calmness. There was no possible way he could think…No.

Lily swallowed to wet her throat so her confusion wouldn't read when she spoke. Squeezing her eyes closed again she tightened her grasp around him which he didn't seem to mind. [b]Well I've already told him…He's thrilled. Say's a baby…a baby is a great thing.[/b]

Even this, however, didn't seem to upset him. He simply chuckled softly and leaned his head forward so that when he spoke next his words were muffled against her soft hair. [b]Well yes. A baby is a wonderful thing. But, Lily, a baby changes everything. If you and I are going to have a baby together it's unfair to carry on this charade any longer. You need to tell him.[/b] The chuckle had left his voice. She could hear the pain of his words and understood that he hated hurting James like this. He hated himself for loving her and she felt the same. They really shouldn't be behaving as they were. And of course he was right, if they were going to have a baby together James really needed to know. After all, he would know eventually anyways. Lily had green eyes and James blue, both recessive genes meaning both parents would have to have passed along the same set of genes. So while it was possible she could have a baby with green eyes with Sirius, if their child had brown eyes he was sure to know. But there was always a chance it would have blue…

Pushing out of Sirius' hold, Lily took a step back looking up at him, her own pain in her eyes now. [b]But, Sirius. I- [/b] She pursed her lips again. She wanted to be with him, she did. But, everything had gotten so out of control. She couldn't believe she'd been so irresponsible. [b]I don't know if it's your baby.[/b] She couldn't bare to look at him while she said it this time. Her eyes were on the linoleum of the floor, trained a spot of dirt he must have tracked in with him and her voice was extremely soft, barely audible. Finally she worked up the courage to chance a glance at him.

Many emotions were apparent on Sirius' face at once. At first he looked as though he was going to laugh again, one of those big hardy laughs that made her heart light. But then her words seemed to reach him and the smile left his face. The happiness and excitement left his eyes. His hands dropped to his side as he understood what her words meant. She was still sleeping with James. It hadn't just been a surface act, she'd been a method actress with this part. Finally meeting his eyes, Lily saw that one lone tear had already pushed its way out of his big beautiful eyes. Eyes that she wished she could just force the happiness back into.

An hour later, Lily sat sobbing in the doorway that led to their back yard garden, the same place she had stood begging a silent Sirius to come back when he stormed out of the kitchen without a word. She had then proceeded to collapse into a heap and that was where James found her when he returned home after dark. Her sobs had ceased, there were no more tears to cry, her throat was too dry to keep it up. She allowed her husband to pick her up and put her into bed but she refused to tell him what was wrong. That was a story for another day, or perhaps a story that never needed to be told. It was over. The look on his face as he left her standing there had told her as much. She wouldn't be surprised if she never saw him again. And now, even more than when she had betrayed her devoted, loyal husband for a bit of reckless lovemaking with his best friend, now she hated herself more than anything in the world.

[Author Notes: This was a hard chapter for me to write. I really wanted it to be believealbe and cheesy and emotional and i struggled with it, eventually deciding less is more which is why it is significantly shorter than the other chapters. hope you don't mine. Review.]


	4. Godfather

**Chapter 4; Godfather**

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters are credited to JK, god bless her.

Four months. Four months, two weeks, and 5 days. Lily had been counting the days since the last time she'd seen Sirius' face. She'd also been counting hours but it's doubtful anyone other than her would care about it and so I'll spare you those details. James had understandably noticed the dramatic change in her behavior since that day. Instead of faking happiness and bouncing around the house doing her daily routine, most days his lovely red headed wife would sit near the window or on the couch with the light off, her hand resting on her significantly swollen abdomen. The baby had started kicking several weeks prior. It was a faint sensation at first, and had woken Lily from a daydream with a scream because she had not been expecting it. Over time, however she grew used to it and hardly acknowledged it anymore. Most women would cringe and say something like 'Baby's kicking' or 'Baby wants attention today' to lighten the mood. Lily simply ignored it, she didn't want to be cute about the baby.

It was on one such day that a miracle seemed to happen. James had been home for weeks because he was concerned about her health and had requested more local assignments. Of course, everyone had obliged without question, for by that time they already knew to be expecting a small Potter running around. Remus had been by, and Peter too, even some of the older Order members. Molly Weasley had come by with her husband. They already had five of their own children. Molly was still toting around the youngest two, twins, and bringing them by the house had only proved to worsen Lily's mood. But today, on this glorious day, the thing Lily had been waiting for occurred. The timing could have been better because James had only just arrived home but on this day, when the sun was shining outside and birds were chirping, Lily was sitting at a seat near the window staring blankly out at the street and Sirius Black came striding up her front walk.

Practically jumping up into the air as she threw herself up from her seat and walked, as fast as her pregnant belly would allow her to, in the direction of the front door. Flinging open the door before he even had a chance to knock, Lily's face was full of energy and light and happiness she hadn't known in months, since she had realized he wasn't coming back. But as soon as she saw him all that emotion drained and she was dumbstruck as though this was the first time she'd ever seen him. She was scared of why he was here, scared of what he would say to her, scared of how he would feel to see her pregnant. Craziest of all she was worried he wouldn't think she looked beautiful pregnant. And so all that came out of her mouth as she stared at him, frozen, on the front stoop was a weak "Hi."

But Sirius didn't seem daunted by whatever it was that was bothering her. It was as though the last half year hadn't happened. In the millisecond it took the grin to spread across Sirius' face the same way it had what seemed like years ago at Hogwarts when he was up to something devilish, Lily realized he hadn't been missing her. "Heya, Lils. I see pregnancy suits you. James asked me over for a chat." With that he slid past her, closing the door after him and without looking at her again took off towards the kitchen. There was the sound of a very excited James and it sounded as though they were back in Hogwarts as the talked. And then it hit Lily. Sirius had not fallen off the face of the earth, he had not hidden himself from the world. That had simply been her punishment. No doubt James and Sirius had been seeing each other regularly and it had never occurred to her to ask. Why should she? She was self centered and never thought of anyone but herself.

Defeated, Lily walked back over to her seat and slumped down at the window again. She didn't know what she was still doing sitting there, the one she had been looking for was standing in her kitchen. But she didn't want to look at him anymore. Looking at him reminded her how much it had hurt to go without him these last few months, how much it had hurt to watch him stalk into her garden and disappear from her life in a very final sort of way. Closing her eyes, Lily tried to remember what he had looked like on that first day, that first day before he had told her how he felt and before she had ruined everything. But before her daydream could head in the direction of remembering the events of that day it was interrupted but the chatter from the kitchen moving back into the room she was in.

Opening her eyes she turned her had to look at the two men standing on the other side of the room. James looked jubilant, happier than he had in months. But then again, thought Lily, that was probably just around her. No doubt she was lousy company for a man who was trying to be excited about the birth of his first child while his wife was moping around the house all day. Sirius on the other hand, she couldn't help but noticing, did not look as happy as his companion. While there was a grin plastered on his face, she could tell in the way only she could that it was forced and something was nagging at him. And that something was revealed to her within moments when James crossed the room to her and crouched down to take her hands in his, lovingly moving some hair away from her face as he spoke quietly to her. "Love, I need to run out for a bit and help Dumbledore with something at the school. But Sirius has graciously agreed to stay with you while I do so you don't have to worry about being alone or worrying yourself with doing anything that might strain you."

Lily's heart plunged to her stomach. Alone with Sirius, in her house, in the place where they had made love behind her husband's back. As James spoke she could feel Sirius eyes on her for the first time since he had entered the house, no doubt studying her face for reaction. But she wasn't going to betray herself to him again, he didn't have any hold on her. If he could disappear for months and then just expect to come back and everything be like it was before they had screwed everything up, she was going to play along. So instead of turning back to the window and making James wonder whether she had understood what he had said she smiled at him and nodded, reaching out to brush his jaw in an affectionate kind of way. "You worry too much. Hurry home to me."

The gesture seemed to surprised James, who she was very aware had been trying only not to send her into crying fits for the last few months let alone trying to show any kind of affection. But he recovered quickly and grinned from ear to ear. Kissing her forehead he stood up and turned towards the door, as though to make quick exit. Suddenly, he stopped. Glancing back at Sirius and then at Lily who was still watching him, he grinned a little bit wider. "Sirius, will you be the godfather?" At his words, James' friends eyes shot to meet his and widened, clearly taken aback. At the same instant, Lily's hand shot out and grabbed James' squeezing it rather painfully to get his attention.

"We'll discuss this later, James. When I'm feeling better. I promise." She smiled at him reassuringly and brushed her thumb over the knuckle of his hand in hers before she drew it back to her. James, who seemed to have realized how hasty and inconsiderate he had been in his decision to ask that question shrugged and with a wave to Sirius made for the door as Lily turned back to the window. She heard the door shut behind him as he went out. Very aware of the presence of another person in the room, she was also very adamant about not turning towards him. And so there they sat, in painful silence. Every so often she would hear the floorboards creak as he moved around the room, and then the sigh of the couch as he took a seat. Closing her eyes, Lily forced her thoughts away from the direction of thought that would lead her to what they had previously done with each other on that couch while her husband was away.

It was only when she heard him start laughing that she turned, eyes wide in a mixture of fear and confusion. This laugh wasn't the one she usually heard come out of his mouth. Usually it was the deep, hearty laugh that his chest produced when he thought something was exceptionally humorous. But this new laugh was somewhat maniacal, unsettling, as though he were laughing at a film showing something dying. And then he spoke, his voice wasn't as it had been upon entering the house or with James, it was gruff and hard and it sent pangs through Lily's heart when she heard it but now that she had looked at him she couldn't look away and ignore him, especially not when he turned his own head to pierce her eyes with his brown ones. Oh when he looked at her how she wish she could erase him from her memory, turn and pretend as though he weren't there. The hate in his eyes was evident, also was the mysterious humor which she had yet to find, but mostly there was hate and it was eating at her, but still she couldn't turn away, couldn't take her eyes off him.

"Godfather?! He wants me to be the bloody godfather of a kid that might be _mine?!_ How twisted is that? And it was probably your idea, that's the worst part." He laughed again, shaking his head and breaking eye contact. Lily's heart was breaking to have the man she loved so much talk to her this way and accuse her of things she couldn't defend because of their truth.

But all the same she was on her feet in an instant, tears instantly spilling down her cheeks and arms waving in frustration. "Why would I want you to be godfather to my child Sirius? Why on earth would I want you in my life to be a constant reminder of what I've done, of how horribly I've ruined my life? Of the mistakes I've made."

"Mistake? So that's what I am? I'm a bloody mistake? Was it a mistake when you told me you loved me or when you kissed me in the garden when you knew full well James as coming in the front door? Was that a mistake, Lily?!" It caught her off guard when he sprung up and crossed the room to her, shouting at her. Not only did it catch her off guard enough that she started sobbing harder but it threw her off balance and she felt her skin burn when he grasped her elbows to keep her from falling, shaking his hands off she let herself lower to the floor, sitting back on her own legs and crying, not wanting to look up at him.

"No, Sirius! You're not a mistake! Marrying James was the mistake! I never should have married him! I don't want him, I don't love him, I don't…I don't know what I want. I'm having a baby with him and I don't even know if it's….I want it to be yours Sirius." Somewhere in her little mental break down Lily had lowered herself down onto the floor. The cool hardwood was a nice contrast against her scalding skin and the burning tear trails that were instating themselves on her face. She closed her eyes again, and was keenly aware that he wasn't speaking, but she didn't care. She just wanted him to go away, leave her like he had four months, two weeks, five days and seventeen hours earlier. She just wanted him to be gone. But instead he seemed to be kneeling next to her and stroking her hair as she cried. It had to be her imagination, and so she opened her tear filled eyes and looked up through them to see if it was really happening. And it was.

This realization only made Lily gasp in another sob, but she was took weak and too sick to make him stop touching her and to tell the truth it felt wonderful. It also felt wonderful when she shivered as he started speaking again, taking on the soothing tones she was so used to. "I want it to be mine too, Lily. Oh God you have no idea how much I want it to be mine. But I can't be with you. I can't, as much as I want to be. Even if you left James we couldn't be together. We would have to start over, all over, none of the same people, nothing. I wouldn't be so hard for me, I have nothing to begin with, but you…I can't do that to you." What he said seemed to make so much sense and she wanted desperately to just accept that he was right and let him keep stroking her hair as she drifted to sleep but if she'd don't that she wouldn't be Lily. And so instead she pushed his hand off of its place on her head and sat up.

Sitting up was probably a bad idea judging by how dizzy she got upon her ascent but she didn't much care. Once the room had stopped spinning she located his face in her eye site. The pain had changed, now it was like that first day again. He looked as though he was going to burst from emotion and she wanted to make him, just as she had before. So she reached for him, but he grabbed her wrist to stop her. Angry, she shook his hand off. [b]Let go of me Sirius![/b] And he did, of course he did and she took the opportunity to get into a kneeling position, which was no easy task with her big belly, and reach forward to put a grasping hand on either side of his face so she was staring right into his eyes. "You don't know me, Sirius. You do, but you don't. I don't have anything. Nothing. All I had before was my family, and my sister, and Severus. And now I have nothing. My parents are gone and my own sister hates me because I'm a witch and Severus…I have nothing. All I have is James and all I want is you. I want to be with _you _Sirius and that is the only thing I know. That's all."

He didn't say anything and Lily was afraid he was going to make her stop touching him, to get up and leave and make up some excuse to James about having to leave because of something or other which of course the nitwit would eat right up. But what happened surprised her even more than that. She felt warm wet droplets on her hands as tears started running silently down his face. And she wanted to kiss him, wanted to hold him wanted to run off with him, but she knew now wasn't the time. "We can do it Sirius, we can…You and me, we could just go, I don't know where but we could go…to the States, to Brazil, to Austailia, wherever we wanted. You and me and…" She looked down at her belly at that moment and put her hand on it. For the first time she seemed to be aware of the kicking that had just started. Smiling, she reached out and grabbed his hand, and thankfully he did not fight her. Placing his hand on her belly she watched the shock and then happiness spill across his face. So deep was the happiness that she was certain he was going to melt into a puddle in front of her. But he just seemed to be staring at the place his hand was planted on.

"Harry…." She was taken aback by his voice, she had been too busy enjoying the feel on her hand on his, something she had missed.

"What?" She had an inkling of what he was talking about but that couldn't be right. A moment ago she had been sure that he hated her, sure that he never wanted to be with her.

"You and me…and Harry." The dream seemed to dance in his eyes for a moment. "I always liked that name. It means Army Ruler. He'd be strong. If it's a boy. If it's a girl you're on your own." He grinned at her, the dream still strong in his eyes as she brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it. But then it faded. "Tell James I would love to be the godfather."

It took her a moment to keep up with the wide range of emotions he was showing currently but when she did catch up panic over took her. She had been sure she'd convinced him, that they really were going to run off together and be together and everything would finally be right and she would finally be happy, finally be free. [b]Sirius….[/b] Her eyes were pleading. But he didn't seem perturbed at all, he just calmly held her hand in his and leaned forward and kissed her. He had intended the kiss to be very short and soft but he didn't seem to be able to help himself and deepened it. For a few moments they kissed each other like it was the end of the world, like any moment someone would come through the door and take him off to Azkaban and they would never see each other again. When they finally pulled away both of them were panting for breath, both of them noticeably bothered by the lack of connection. Lily didn't remember for a moment why she'd been so bothered before he kissed her but when it came back tears started falling again. [b]Sirius, you don't have to be the godfather. We'll leave. We can leave right now.[/b] And she made to get up but in her emotional state she upset herself and tripped, only to be caught in the strong arms of the man that she loved.

"Sh…no need to be hasty. I promise we will. But you're in no state to make that kind of decision now and certainly in no condition for traveling…"He nussled into the crook of her neck and kissed her shoulder softly. "Please, love, just stay here now. Once the baby's born…we'll start making plans…I promise…I love you." He had hardly gotten the words out when he straightened up again and Lily heard the door open. Turning, she saw James standing there smiling as always and her heart broke.

James crossed to her and Sirius and kissed her forehead. "You trip, baby? I told you to be careful. Thanks Sirius" He nodded to his best friend. Poor fool, Lily thought, he doesn't suspect anything. Why should he? She moved out of his arms and sat back at the window, resuming her stare out the window. Moments later she heard a goodbye uttered but before she could realize what was happening the door closed. Looking up it sank in that Sirius had left. Whipping her head back to the window she found what she was looking for. Sirius was standing in her front walk as James walked back into the kitchen and said something about getting her a cup of tea. The man in her front walk mouthed something that looked like the word promise. And then he just stood there for a moment looking at her. She touched the glass with two fingertips and mouthed 'I love you'. He smiled at her, one of those award winning smiles which had made her love him through all of this, and with that he turned and walked down the road. And Lily smiled.

[Author Notes: again i was trying to make this chapter believable. I probably could have done more with the tension between the two of them but i'm happy with it for the most part. Let me know if theres anything you want from it or any ideas for future episodes. Currently I think i'm planning the next chapter to be about the day of Harry's birth but if you feel like you want something before that you should let me know. Review please.]


End file.
